This lesson is called “Re-visioning your life.” I have very little understanding of what she is asking me to do. Take a childhood issue and write it from another perspective? Or, from where I am now.
He is playing Marty Robbins on the record player. “A white sports coat and a pink carnation. I’m in a blue, blue mood.” He is drunk, very drunk and belligerent.
She is probably around 8 or 9-years-old. Sitting at the table with him while he belittles her in favor of her sister. She doesn’t care, though. Her main emotions are fear and an overwhelming sense of responsibility.
She doesn’t’ care that he is drunk or what he is saying to her. She only cares that he not get in the car and leave. She sits and makes conversation and feels the knots of fear in her stomach. If he leaves, he’ll get into a car accident and he’ll die. It’s her job to keep him alive.
She can’t tolerate the idea of not having her Daddy any longer. That’s why she sits with him when he is drunk. That’s why she doesn’t go to sleep with her mother and sister. She has taken on the responsibility for keeping him alive.
Where did that sense of responsibility come from? Does it matter? Is what really matters, that she loved her Daddy with all her heart and was willing to do whatever she thought she needed to do to keep him alive?
It wouldn’t have mattered if her mother had made her go to bed. She would have lain for hours in a puddle of anxiety hoping he didn’t leave in the car. This is who she was and still is. Someone who, for some reason believes if she worries, all will be well.
Maybe she has an overactive amygdala. Would it have mattered what kind of family she was born into? She was genetically inclined to form an anxiety disorder, to feel responsible for things that weren’t her responsibility. She just happened to be born into a family that would exacerbate those feelings in her.
Was it really her genetic makeup that caused all the worry and fear?